Hi, my name is Christine, and I'm addicted to validation.
(whoa. that's pretty heavy....but actually truer than I'd like to admit!)
Now, I can't trace the origin of this dependency, or the precise time this need became evident. All I know is that my perceived need for it is alive and well, and without considerable discipline (at which i am failing) my self-worth completely plummets.
So I wonder....how much does this need for validation have to do with my insecurities?
Or is it more of a problem with my pride, masked as a more acceptable struggle called "low self esteem"?
Its as if I daily shove an empty cup of my longings in front of my husband, my parents, my close friends, (even facebook friends)...hoping for it to be filled, and hoping to feel satisfied (with myself). But when people push me aside, don't say anything, or respond by producing their own cup of longings ....I get desperate! I think...I can't come up empty! I can't! Don't I matter to people? Don't i deserve some attention and admiration?
So why do I wait for the world to validate me, when I know the Jesus does already? Why do I become so desperate for that "ok" from my peers, long so deeply for my husband to come through with my every need, and feel so empty when I fail...
...when no one, or nothing truly fills my every need?
...when, as a follower of Jesus, I am not supposed to EXPECT validation?
Why do I so often miss the boat, and blame others for not coming through for me.....depend on another human to make me completely happy?
It's really too bad.
Its like I'm blindly holding a cup up to the sky, expecting something to fill it.... when all the while, right beside me, is a powerful, beautiful waterfall thundering down with fresh water.
(whoa. that's pretty heavy....but actually truer than I'd like to admit!)
Now, I can't trace the origin of this dependency, or the precise time this need became evident. All I know is that my perceived need for it is alive and well, and without considerable discipline (at which i am failing) my self-worth completely plummets.
So I wonder....how much does this need for validation have to do with my insecurities?
Or is it more of a problem with my pride, masked as a more acceptable struggle called "low self esteem"?
Lately I've been staring down into an empty cup feeling sorry for myself....knowing full well, there is a source that I'm not tapping into.
Someone who promises to satisfy.
Someone who promises to satisfy.
Someone who actually died in order to give me a life-time supply of validation, in the form of eternity with God in heaven!
When Jesus spent his time on earth he loved everyone who was socially rejected. He upheld the outcast, women and children, the sick, the weird, the ugly. He preached about loving others as, or MORE than ourselves (see Matthew 22:36-40), and as walking humbly with mercy see (micah 6:8). He emphasized the importance of giving to those who cannot repay, who cannot respond in gratitude, who cannot validate (see Luke 6:31-36).
Unreal!So why do I wait for the world to validate me, when I know the Jesus does already? Why do I become so desperate for that "ok" from my peers, long so deeply for my husband to come through with my every need, and feel so empty when I fail...
...when no one, or nothing truly fills my every need?
...when, as a follower of Jesus, I am not supposed to EXPECT validation?
Why do I so often miss the boat, and blame others for not coming through for me.....depend on another human to make me completely happy?
It's really too bad.
Its like I'm blindly holding a cup up to the sky, expecting something to fill it.... when all the while, right beside me, is a powerful, beautiful waterfall thundering down with fresh water.
2 comments:
So I wrote this long comment and somehow lost it all. But I loved this post so I wanted to try again. :)
2 things this post reminded me of.
#1 Jeremiah 2: 13 "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." A little out of context maybe but this verse has stuck with me since Bible School. I know I often try to fill a need/void with something other than God's answers. Even though His word clearly say, He will supply all our needs!
#2 In Beth Moores book So long insecurity she says that one root of insecurity is pride. This really hit home to me in one area of my life that I had been excusing as insecurity. I had/have a hard time being comfortable having people in my home. Afraid of what they might think. When I read that, I knew it was pride, which is a sin so boy did I have work to do.
I know that other insecurities can come from deep hurtful roots,not something as simple as pride. So I pray that we might wake up in the morning excited to fill our cups from the Spring of living water. Throw away our broken cisterns,knowing that only God can satisfy!!! What a freeing thought, but somehow so hard to grasp.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Love,
Deanne
thank YOU Deanne.
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