sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

This evening my mom emailed just to check in and tell me about her day.
we do that now more than we ever used to.
she mentioned that "the boys" (my two brothers) helped her sort her bedroom closet and pack away my dad's clothes. I guess she hasn't had the heart to do it herself, and I guess I haven't had the heart to offer. 
my "emotional setting" since the funeral hasn't moved past numb.
its left me inwardly sorrowful but complacent to any outward expression...
more aptly put, I haven't cried.
I'v been stuck.

Visualizing the three pulling out hangers of his suits and dress shirts,
sweaters from christmas and hockey Jerseys for those games "in the city",
folding them all up and then deciding what to keep and what to donate;
set my emotions into motion...cracked open the dull expressionless ache and rendered the hurt.
Tears flowed refreshingly, soothingly
He is gone.
Completely gone.
In a flash. Just like that.
I can hear him saying my name.
I can see his eyes soften and crinkle when he smiled.
will my memory of DAD eventually disappear and be packed away like his shirts and sweaters?
death is cruel in its finality. its permanence.
This song brings comfort to me.
It is simple. It is soft. It is strong.
Mystery by Charlie Hall.


Audrey said...

Oh, the heart wrenching task of packing away the clothes.

No Christine, your memories WON'T disappear! There will be times when you choose to remember your dad and think about him. You'll remember his voice, his hand gestures, the cadence of his speech, the tickle of his mustache when he kissed your cheek. And then there will be other times when just out of the blue, on an ordinary Thursday in February, while you drive to work that a Bible verse from your devotions, or a song on the radio, or field covered with fresh snow, will trigger recall of a specific memory. And while it will again bring tears, it will also bring comfort as you remember your wonderful dad.

Rose said...

there are so many steps along the way of saying good-bye to a loved one...it's different for each of us...it's plain HARD...it's okay to be lost and numb...it's all so new...and so final...it just sucks (for lack of a better word). Grace and peace to you as you journey.

christine said...

Thanks Audrey and Rose so very much. I know that you are both feeling the absence of your own fathers. I imagine that it still feels fresh in your hearts when you think about them-as I hope it does for me in the years to come. I'm so sorry that you've experienced this. Thanks for your words of encouragement. And most importantly for helping me realize i'm not walking this road the wrong way. xo

Anonymous said...

Oh Christine....
I can't imagine what you are going through as I haven't walked that road yet. But I can say that I am praying and thinking of you as you remember and try to get through alongside life's other many moments!
Peace to you.

Christine SH

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