I don't think its a good sign when I find my own blog depressing.
when i read it and think to myself..."Lady, brighten and lighten up!!
How annoying you must sound to anyone reading this stuff."

cry me a river, and get your act together!
write about something else!
they must be saying.

or maybe its just me.
maybe I'm the only one disgusted with myself.
the only one who sees all the unmet expectations and disappointments.
maybe I'm the only one who thinks our family is a joke.
YOU are a youth pastors wife?? HA!
Shouldn't you be doing MORE? 
volunteering MORE?
Shouldn't you be MORE of an example?
Somebody ELSE should take on the Youth Program, with a more
supportive and active wife!!!

self deprecation is my specialty,
living with shame for not meeting expectations.
I clothe myself in embarrassment and apologies
especially on Sunday's.
Some mornings I can't make it to church because the disappointment
in myself is too great.
Its too hard to face people knowing that I'm not doing enough.
I'm covered with blankets of guilt and depression so
that the only comfort I find is in the safety of my home.

Yet, we desperately need female youth workers.
desperately!!
It would be perfect if I could swoop down, roll up my sleeves
and jump into that wonderful world of teenage ministry!
I love it....LOVE it. I love the girls, so very much.
but loving from afar doesn't do a whole heck of a lot.
Its all about relationships, youth ministry is...
relationships.
which means I'm completely useless.

Its been about a year since my health took a dramatic turn downward.
And because I'm in a place of heightened self deprivation...
I've returned to some of my writing from that time.
Maybe reminding myself of where I've been will help me today.
Help me with this burdensome weight of disgust.

I know that Church work and depression is not uncommon;
Its just not always talked about.
this was interesting to find-
and watch.

errand run

I'm struggling this season with..... ERRANDS.
I have never been a fan of errand running.
The act of cruising around town to various places, searching for items to stroke off a list-
(that is, if I remember to bring my list...so many written, so many left on the door step).
But these days, I'm not only peeved by the actual shopping, dropping, picking,
and returning of people, places or things;
I am fearful of the whole event. From start to finish.

Like right now. This minute. I am savoring the quiet house and my leisure day.
But I cannot fully enjoy the luxury of this freedom.
I HAVE to buy a pink pig costume (i.e.pink clothing from top to bottom)
for tonight's school Christmas concert.
And, I am literally experiencing dread, silly nervous butterflies.
(truth be told for both the shopping AND the concert).

I can't keep asking my husband to run the errands,
even though he already (willingly) does most of the shopping.
How very sad and pathetic this all makes me feel.
Old Navy prides themselves in making your shopping experience
easy, positive, not to mention...loud inspiring!
Its not THAT hard.

I just wish I could tackle the "easy" stuff with more courage....
And not feel this pending doom.