Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts

3.1.13

Be happy

"Happy are those who are pure, for they shall See God".
See God.
What does that exactly mean?
To See beyond my circumstances?
My shortcomings.
My moods.
My lengthy list of aggravating "first world problems".
Yes.
Its so easy to get down when facing the uncontrollable giants in life.
Yet its so clear in the bible where our hope lies.
Striving for purity as a remedy for  hopelessness and helplessness.
Maybe there is something to that?
Gee I wonder! ...(I say to my almost 39 self, moping around in wrinkly saggy skin...)
Maybe I should stop my self-pity for a change and tap into those promises!?
Yes.

2.8.12

sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

This evening my mom emailed just to check in and tell me about her day.
we do that now more than we ever used to.
she mentioned that "the boys" (my two brothers) helped her sort her bedroom closet and pack away my dad's clothes. I guess she hasn't had the heart to do it herself, and I guess I haven't had the heart to offer. 
my "emotional setting" since the funeral hasn't moved past numb.
its left me inwardly sorrowful but complacent to any outward expression...
more aptly put, I haven't cried.
I'v been stuck.

Visualizing the three pulling out hangers of his suits and dress shirts,
sweaters from christmas and hockey Jerseys for those games "in the city",
folding them all up and then deciding what to keep and what to donate;
set my emotions into motion...cracked open the dull expressionless ache and rendered the hurt.
Tears flowed refreshingly, soothingly
He is gone.
Completely gone.
In a flash. Just like that.
I can hear him saying my name.
I can see his eyes soften and crinkle when he smiled.
will my memory of DAD eventually disappear and be packed away like his shirts and sweaters?
death is cruel in its finality. its permanence.
This song brings comfort to me.
It is simple. It is soft. It is strong.
Mystery by Charlie Hall.

7.7.12

simple observation

Cuddling together this evening after the bedtime story and a discussion about Grandma's loneliness, Brontë responded wistfully "I wish that heaven had a phone number...then we could call... and God, or the angels, or Jesus would answer. That would be nice wouldn't it? Then we could ask to speak to Papa and hear his voice!"
sweet thought.
from a sweet, heart.

1.7.12

shifting heart

There is an obvious shift in my heart since my Dad passed away.
An overwhelming sense that my humanness is profoundly weak, and my
ability to control the world is senseless and needless.
I guess I always knew that...Christine you are NOT in control!
However now I seem to more fully grasp and understand.

My heart doesn't feel as restless or frantic.
I'm fueled by a softer and quieter spirit,
and a sober awareness of strength poured from above.
I feel changed.

Granted...I am still me, with beautiful genetic tendencies towards anxiety and depression.
I am still me, with uncanny abilities to lose sight of the needs of others and become
selfish.
I am still me, with unfortunate (wifely) high-expectations and conditional grace.
Without a doubt I am still me.
(some of you may be disappointed....) ha!

Yet now my heart holds Jesus more dearly, my husband more lovingly, and my mom more tenderly.
Yes. There is an obvious shift in my heart since my Dad passed away.

Fill all my vision, Savior, I pray, Let me see only Jesus today.
Though through the valley Thou leadest me, 
Thy faceless glory encompasseth me.
Fill all my vision, every desire Keep for Thy glory; my soul inspire
With Thy perfection, thy holy love 
Flooding my pathway with light from above.
Fill all my vision, Saviour divine, Till with Thy glory my spirit shall shine.
Fill all my vision, that all may see Thy Holy Image reflected in me

Fill all my vision, Savior, I pray.
Avis B Christiansen (lyrics)
Homer Hammontree (music)
Worship Hymnal, p.442


15.6.12

focusing on good

"The Christian is the really free man-he is free to have imagination. This too is our heritage. The Christian is the one whose imagination should fly beyond the stars." Francis Schaeffer.

The health and wellness culture of our day inundates us with ways to  think positively and live intentionally. We read so much about living life to the fullest, to the best of our ability. SO many blogs are written primarily to do just that (in fact my old blog coffee and daisies was written for the same purpose)! Its good wholesome stuff to munch on and mull over. Breathing in the sweet smell of rain after a downpour, walking through freshly fallen snow or taking a moment to admire the brilliant sunset, are small moments that matter. "You are only here for a short visit. Don't hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way"(Walter Hagen).

Granted, the happy thoughts train can become redundant after awhile, like the nagging parent reminding their child to clean up messes.... yes, yes....we KNOW already! Sometimes I get tired reading about the various things healthy families should be doing together to connect and take stock...like nature walks, making soup from scratch, running through wheat fields, playing board games without fighting etc. My insecurities get the best of me in those cases (if we don't do those things then we are a "bad" family). But annoyances and defences aside, I'm aware that there is something very important about the positive thinking hoop-lah, and I recognize that I need those reminders along the way. Like everyone else who carries some combination of x and y chromosomes... what we dwell on and think about, directly shapes our mood, our motivation and our spirit. It makes up a great part of who we are.
{Please note, I'm not relating this in any way to depression, for then we must consider all the uncontrollable thoughts and feelings that hijack and jeopardize an otherwise clear, strong mind}.
We can chose to think along gracious and thankful streams of thought.
We can chose to marvel at simple wonders of creation and the complexities of photosynthesis.
We can chose to think about the goodness and kindness of strangers and the comfort and love of a friend.
We can.
I can.
For we know that for every glimpse of beauty, there are just as many, if not more... negative,
difficult, and even painful realizations of life to absorb, and DEAL with.
traffic jams (BAD drivers-MERGE people MERGE!), library late fees, take-out screw ups (missed the fries AGAIN), late for work, over-reactions to my child, sleeping  too much, pms, stupid weeds, pending news, housework, never ending bills, doctors appointments, GLUTEN, slivers, ants in the kitchen, minimum wage, dust, baseball practice, teachers, homework, family issues, rain, filling out forms, running errands....
Small things that can easily overwhelm and fill me with negativity. Hang-ups that act as springboards to bigger and greater issues in my life. Annoyances that capture my mind and throw it down helpless, like a big, burly (fake) wrestler with no mercy.
(hows that for a visual?)

Recently I've been reading the book "Heaven", by Randy Alcorn. It has brought much respite to my clouded, troubled mind and helped me to concentrate on the good vs. the annoying (and painful) circumstances in my life. Here's why.
I've been struggling to remember my Dad the way he was, before May 28th- the day he passed away. This book on Heaven has helped me to focus on where he is now and not so much the scenes from the hospital. My Dad did not die peacefully. There was great distress, a code red racing ambulance, fear, panic, resuscitation, helplessness, agitation, internal suffocation and finally sedation. When my mom and I saw his body after the staff had tried so hard to help him, I saw the terrible, scary side of death. I saw an image that made me feel a combined physical pain and numbness, I felt like I was walking through a foreign film, everything was very confusing and surreal.. I watched as my mother wept in grief stroking her beloved's forehead. I felt a hollowness, an emptiness, and repeatedly thought..."there better be a heaven, there better be a heaven."

Thankfully because of the book and folks talking to God and praying about this, I feel the fear receding every day. The horrid realities of his suffering aren't as imprinted on my brain. But it is still my "go to" image, whenever I think about Dad. So I purposefully and intentionally (I like that word) switch it to happy times, bringing to mind wonderful memories of marshmallow roasts around the fire-pit, talking around the dinner table after a finished meal, my last discussion with him, his encouraging nature and soft spoken ways. I pray that someday his last moments on earth will only be a faint memory. For now, I deliberately focus on the promises and truth that God gives us in His word, that our suffering and great losses are short lived. The ugliness of death has no lasting effect on us! Jesus has indeed paved the way for everything lovely, pure, good, beautiful and perfect. Jesus said, "Be of good cheer" (John 16:33).

"The new house is nearly ready for you. Moving day is coming. The dark winter is about to be magically transformed into spring. One day soon you will be home-for the first time. Until then, I encourage you to meditate on the Bible's truth about Heaven. May your imagination soar and your heart rejoice." Randy Alcorn.

1.3.12

Jesus calms a Storm

This sunday its my turn to teach the preschoolers (age 2-4) "Children's Church" during the regular worship service.
I LOVE this class.
I love how they look.
I love how they sound.
I love how they pray.

We all sit around a tiny little table on tiny little chairs.
They look at me.... squirm a bit..and smile.
I put on my super-excited-happy-face, clap my hands with wild delight, hug myself a bit, and say something profound like..."oh, oh, do you know what happened yesterday?" (eye's wide, mouths open)...
"I changed my favourite colour from BLACK to PURPLE!!"
ooohhhhh ahhhhhhh...they say, not comptely understanding what i'm talking about, but they like my face!
(the parents on the other hand look at my travel mug wondering if i'm hiding something in there that isn't black, hot or caffinated-if you know what I mean).
I then whip out something bright purple (because you have to have props),  and ask them what colour elmo is??!!!!!!!!
and we all get along famously.
Its an Oscar quality performance I tell ya.

so anyway.
Our lesson for sunday is "Jesus calms the storm".  Mark 4:35-41
i have a very nice seg-way from swapping Sesame Street stories, to Jesus.
Its called snack.

About the story.
The disciples and Jesus fishing on the sea of Galilee.
A wild storm starts.
The disciples FREAK out, especially when they see Jesus having a nap
in the middle of it all.
They wake him up frantically.
Jesus questions their fear when they know
the Son of God is on the boat with them!
Jesus demonstrates his power over the wind and the seas.
"Peace be still", he says. And the waters became calm instantly.
A miracle.

I love how this story from the bible applies to us today.
We may not be anywhere near a lake or an ocean,
but we all have raging storms in our lives.
I know that sounds cliche', but its true, right?

Storms that tear up everything familiar or dear to us.
Storms that leave us bitter and tired and depressed.
Storms that destroy and consume.
Taking over every part of our life
We are left powerless.
We are drowning.

Within those storms, there is the promise of hope
No matter how horrendous our storm, Jesus gives us peace.
Peace.
We forget He's there sometimes, or we get quickly overwhelmed
We feel we are the only ones who can keep water out of the boat.
We try to do it all.
We freak out. We panic.
Just as the disciples did in the story.


This is what we (myself included), will be colouring in class.


But the bible gives us the picture of Jesus; 
standing and boldly facing our biggest fears for us.
Reminding us of who is in control.
"Peace, be still".

I'm wondering if I should bring some sort of inflatable boat or kiddy pool along to the class...

7.2.12

where does the mind go?

My troubled and broken thought life...
so vast and long-reaching,
so deep and beckoning..

When I'm feeling healthy, in control, supported and loved,
my thoughts are mostly where they should be.
Spending my days giving hugs and selling greeting cards, etc. etc. etc.
etc.
I feel solid and grounded like a supported foundation.
I am content.
I am on medication, and it helps me thrive.
I attend a church that fills me with the good news of Jesus, and surrounds me
with an accepting, loving group of people.
I am the Christine that you see.

In these generally healthy moments of the every day,
I imagine myself wrapped in layers of protective garments.
Covered from head to toe with blankets and clothing of
trust and love.
The fibers of these garments provide security,
and enable me to walk through days of hardship with my head up.
My feet remain grounded, I am protected, I can get by.

My frailties, my anxieties and my depression however, are also strong.
Very strong.
There are moments, and there are weeks where THEY prevail.
And the tightly wrapped garments of protection are stripped off my back.
Sometimes in pieces, sometimes all at once.
I am the Christine that you don't see, or who doesn't want to be seen. 

I feel ugly when this happens, and I am weak, so very weak.
The illness that invades my mind, and rips away the protective layers,
jeopardizes my reasoning, and casts a shadow over my heart.
In my weariness everything is fuzzy.
I can't do tasks, I feel so tired, and everything is overwhelming.
Sometimes I can't even dwell on the promises of Jesus or recognize His love.
I just know that He is "there",
somewhere in all of this.

I am propelled by the fear and anxiety towards
hopelessness.
Vulnerable and exposed I feel shame.
Regret, bitterness, pain, self doubt, self hatred...
actually bring comfort-
for they are familiar.

My soul is the only place where the anxious thoughts cannot permeate.
The sacred place within me, that belongs to my heavenly Father.
It cannot be touched by disease, disability, shame, heartache or pain.
I hear myself praying.
I feel myself crying.
I know I am powerless,
I know I am fragile and weak.

I know that darkness will not keep Him away.
I know that His love is not limited or withheld.

For He created my mind
He knows every intricate detail about me.

30.6.11

a lesson at school today

Today is the last day of school...
And this morning in chapel I cried.
Not because my children will be with me 24/7 for the next few months...
(that will hit me tomorrow morning)
But because I was reminded of how EVERYONE is accepted in God's kingdom.

I watched a sweet gr. 6 girl, with down syndrome sign and sing during worship.
And then I watched my son (hair sticking straight up, shorts pulled up too high) rocking back and forth to the beat of the music, singing at the top of his lungs.
My heart SANG with JOY, and I struggled to hold back a pouring of tears.

Because at that moment it just hit me....like a powerful jolt to my heart...
The reminder that in God's kingdom there are no limitations, no dress codes, no skill tests, no required IQ.
We are not required to follow a complicated regime of disciplines in order to gain access to HIM.
We do not have to face a certain direction to pray, or achieve levels of nirvana in meditation to be rewarded with eternal life. There are no external, physical requirements to loving, and worshiping God.

Whether we have brain damage, a learning disability, a neurological delay, a mental illness, a degenerative illness, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, down syndrome, YOU NAME IT....our spirit can remain accessible, and expressive. 

Anyone can bring Glory and Honor to Him.
We give what we can...
we offer ourselves, our battered bruised, imperfect selves.
And we are guaranteed acceptance and love...
because HE loved us first.

23.6.11

free refills

Hi, my name is Christine, and I'm addicted to validation.

(whoa. that's pretty heavy....but actually truer than I'd like to admit!)
Now, I can't trace the origin of this dependency, or the precise time this need became evident. All I know is that my perceived need for it is alive and well, and without considerable discipline (at which i am failing) my self-worth completely plummets.

So I wonder....how much does this need for validation have to do with my insecurities?
Or is it more of a problem with my pride, masked as a more acceptable struggle called "low self esteem"?
Its as if I daily shove an empty cup of my longings in front of my husband, my parents, my close friends, (even facebook friends)...hoping for it to be filled, and hoping to feel satisfied (with myself). But when people push me aside, don't say anything, or respond by producing their own cup of longings ....I get desperate! I think...I can't come up empty!  I can't!  Don't I matter to people? Don't i deserve some attention and admiration?


Lately I've been staring down into an empty cup feeling sorry for  myself....knowing full well, there is a source that I'm not tapping into.
Someone who promises to satisfy.
Someone who actually died in order to give me a life-time supply of validation, in the form of eternity with God in heaven!

When Jesus spent his time on earth he loved everyone who was socially rejected. He upheld the outcast, women and children, the sick, the weird, the ugly. He preached about loving others as, or MORE than ourselves (see Matthew 22:36-40), and as walking humbly with mercy see (micah 6:8). He emphasized the importance of giving to those who cannot repay, who cannot respond in gratitude, who cannot validate (see Luke 6:31-36).
Unreal!

So why do I wait for the world to validate me, when I know the Jesus does already? Why do I become so desperate for that "ok" from my peers,  long so deeply for my husband to come through with my every need, and feel so empty when I fail...
...when no one, or nothing truly fills my every need?
...when, as a follower of Jesus,  I am not supposed to EXPECT validation? 

Why do I so often miss the boat, and blame others for not coming through for me.....depend on another human to make me completely happy?
It's really too bad.

Its like I'm blindly holding a cup up to the sky, expecting something to fill it.... when all the while, right beside me, is a powerful, beautiful waterfall thundering down with fresh water.

8.6.11

dry bones in need of life


You can take my dry bones
Breathe life into this skin
You called me by name
Raised me to life again
You can calm the oceans
Speak peace into my soul
Take me as I am
Awaken my heart to beat again


{chorus}
Oh Jesus
Oh Jesus
Oh Jesus
Alive in me!


You move in the unseen
You set the captives free
As I stand and sing
You're breaking the chains off me


{chorus}

Breathe in me Your life
I can feel You are close now
I can never hide
You are here and You know me
All I need is You
And I love You
I love You
I love You
I love You
Breathe in me Your life
'Til Your love overtakes me
Open up my eyes
Let me see You more clearly
Falling on my knees
'Til I love like You love
Like You love me
I love You


{Chorus}

*





  • Joel Timothy Houston; Jill Mc Cloghry
  • Aftermath Album, Hillsong United
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