the push

lately i've been pushed out of my comfort zone a bit.
i've had to adjust and be flexible for someone else.
there has been a lot more people around here,
a lot more socializing going on...
it's not been easy.

in my attempt to "protect myself" from the outside world, ie. stress, facing people, "dealing"...
i've lost valuable opportunities to experience fellowship, and be stretched.
i'm aware of that.
but my comfort zone is a place of isolation.
christmas is coming...parties are coming....
expectations are coming...
and deep down that scares me.

so i like to hide.

every single morning that dawn's a new day,
i fight to get out of bed. i do it, but its a struggle.
i sigh. i gear myself up.
i feel a deep longing to stay at home.
i ache to be in the easiness of my own space,
the safety of my family.

while those feelings cover me with blankets of peace,
i am acutely aware of the ugly fears that follow, berate and taunt:
will I become house-bound someday? become an agoraphobic?
will I get worse instead of better?
it is not impossible...

agoraphobics don't get up one day and decide to live in confinement,
their life of restriction starts with social anxiety...and snow balls into something much more limiting and serious.
will become like that?

but back to being stretched, back to the realization of improvement,
these occasions in my life...
to do things that "don't come naturally",
its difficult...but admittedly rewarding.
i may be out of my comfort zone, but in surviving the experience,
i gain self confidence and give myself a chance to thrive.

with a healthy balance.
not an expectation put out by anyone, but myself.
for i know my limitations better than anyone.
and cannot be pushed
too much.

"Fear destroys peoples dreams, it destroys our minds and bodies, it stops us in our tracks like a huge lion in your pathway. Fear stops us from taking the action we need to take in order to be all that we can be. Our potential is so much more than we sometimes perceive." ~ Greg De Tisi. 



Rose said...

Thanks for sharing our heart. I can not count the number of times I have had to MAKE myself do certain things b/c the reality of agoraphobia is never far behind me.

Rose said...

I meant to say "your" heart..

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