where does the mind go?

My troubled and broken thought life...
so vast and long-reaching,
so deep and beckoning..

When I'm feeling healthy, in control, supported and loved,
my thoughts are mostly where they should be.
Spending my days giving hugs and selling greeting cards, etc. etc. etc.
I feel solid and grounded like a supported foundation.
I am content.
I am on medication, and it helps me thrive.
I attend a church that fills me with the good news of Jesus, and surrounds me
with an accepting, loving group of people.
I am the Christine that you see.

In these generally healthy moments of the every day,
I imagine myself wrapped in layers of protective garments.
Covered from head to toe with blankets and clothing of
trust and love.
The fibers of these garments provide security,
and enable me to walk through days of hardship with my head up.
My feet remain grounded, I am protected, I can get by.

My frailties, my anxieties and my depression however, are also strong.
Very strong.
There are moments, and there are weeks where THEY prevail.
And the tightly wrapped garments of protection are stripped off my back.
Sometimes in pieces, sometimes all at once.
I am the Christine that you don't see, or who doesn't want to be seen. 

I feel ugly when this happens, and I am weak, so very weak.
The illness that invades my mind, and rips away the protective layers,
jeopardizes my reasoning, and casts a shadow over my heart.
In my weariness everything is fuzzy.
I can't do tasks, I feel so tired, and everything is overwhelming.
Sometimes I can't even dwell on the promises of Jesus or recognize His love.
I just know that He is "there",
somewhere in all of this.

I am propelled by the fear and anxiety towards
Vulnerable and exposed I feel shame.
Regret, bitterness, pain, self doubt, self hatred...
actually bring comfort-
for they are familiar.

My soul is the only place where the anxious thoughts cannot permeate.
The sacred place within me, that belongs to my heavenly Father.
It cannot be touched by disease, disability, shame, heartache or pain.
I hear myself praying.
I feel myself crying.
I know I am powerless,
I know I am fragile and weak.

I know that darkness will not keep Him away.
I know that His love is not limited or withheld.

For He created my mind
He knows every intricate detail about me.

1 comment:

Becky said...

You explain your experience and feelings so well, Christine.

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