17.7.12

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.
I feel helpless when you are in turmoil and deep pain, when your eyes resemble those of a frightened animal and your body is forced into constant motion. You are afraid of the future. I can see that. You are afraid to think too much of his absence. You are afraid of life now...without. Without....protection, companionship, and love.
I notice all of this, but I cannot reach out to you. I hear the grief and pain in your voice but I turn my head away in avoidance. At night I am aware of your sleeplessness but i cover my head with a blanket to muffle out your insomnia. 
I'm sorry.
It is just too much for me to take in, it is too much for me to bear. This is foreign territory for me. I am fighting the realization that you are not the same strong woman that I've always relied on. I am resisting the sobering truth that I must in some way be strong for you, the woman who raised me and modelled life in a gracious and giving way. You have always had the answers, the right words to console my anxious heart or reassure my self doubt. I recognize that you cannot be the same from this point forward. I understand that your world is upside down. Yet somehow my heart is deceived into believing you'll get through this with the same determination and strength as you always have before.
I'm sorry.

2 comments:

Carolyn said...

Ugh . . .I'm so sorry Christine. I know all too well the feeling of losing one parent and then realizing that you've actually lost some of the other parent too.
Thinking of you, and thank you for sharing.
Carolyn

Pennerfive said...

I'm sorry too. So very sorry.

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