Apology

Part of my depression is the overpowering fear and thus belief, that my existence in this world is a hindrance. a down right nuisance to everyone. I cannot do things "right" nor can I do things consistently...so I should just give up trying. 
Giving up on living doesn't fall under that mind-set. I don't want to die, but my mind/brain can at times make it really hard to live. 

A protective dam or wall in my brain (consisting of good drugs, rest and God given hope) hold my worst symptoms at bay and keep the depression from consuming me. I can function well thanks to that wall. However at times it weakens (because of hormones, stress, grief)...and waves of self loathing, paranoia and anxiety flood in and shut me down. The feelings of failure and worthlessness are so strong I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. The thought of being with people, even loving and gentle people freaks me out. I don't want to be a hindrance...an imperfect, difficult to understand annoyance in their lives.
So I hide.
I sleep.
I seek out some peace.
Until my strength returns.

At times hiding or staying home to rest isn't optional, so I do my best to avoid..... I leave events early to avoid failure, or to avoid disappointing people.
Avoidance makes life safer. 

Sometimes.
But it can also make things worse

I am a perfectionist.
A depressed perfectionist.
Nice combination.
Saying "I'm sorry" is what I do best.

Avoiding is safe but doesn't keep me from failure entirely.

I'm sorry mom that I missed mothers day...that I can find drives to visit you exhausting and that I need reminders to call.
I'm sorry friend that I don't visit regularly and that I am hard to understand. 
I'm sorry that you've had to cut yourself off from me. I understand, although it makes me sad.
I'm sorry husband that you go to church without me. I'm sorry that I don't dress up or put on lipstick in honour of your homecoming from work.
I'm sorry brother that I don't send you pictures of your niece/nephew. I'm sorry that sometimes even your phone calls go unanswered.
I'm sorry children that you live with a mom like me. A mother who crys a lot and sleeps a lot. I'm sorry you have to so often be quiet because I have a headache. I'm sorry you sometimes have to eat  junk food because I'm too tired to grocery shop or overwhelmed to properly plan meals.

*Thank you to those who love me despite it all.

*Psalm 32:7