Solace

I'm in a space these days that is not pretty to anyone looking in. My face and body appear as an impenetrable bubble repelling even the softest expressions of comfort and the sweetest gestures of compassion.
I know the little ones study me and can't help feeling hurt and betrayed.

"How can I help you?" I read. Its a text from my mom. I love that she asks. "Just be yourself", I text back. Which means if you read between the lines...don't avoid me because you don't know what to say, don't judge me, don't give up on me, see my beauty with eyes brimming with grace.

I am grateful in this bubble. A cup overflowing with gratitude helps the anger, the pity, the fear go down. In the most delightful way. (Cue the twittering fake bird on the window sill). but as it goes down, and sinks in, it also threatens to destroy.

-marriages typically don't survive this
...the PDD, the therapies, the doctors, the pressure.
-we need to hire private therapy again -so many things are improving
-so many things are not
-somedays the patience and consistency of a patron saint are required.
-some days it all seems too much.

"...as long as the baby is healthy"

The day before yesterday I added a button to the blog.
Autism Speaks.
A great site that provides a ton of resources.
I have to admit though, that it was a bit of a step...jump....ok. LEAP for me....
to add the button.
The word "Autism" is a very scary word for those who don't understand the disease.
Or who don't know there is a spectrum of mild to severe autism.

My son has a form of autism (PDD-NOS), but I rarely talk or write about it because...
-I fear that people will misjudge his abilities, or will treat him "differently".
-I feel strongly that some things in my life must remain private.
-My son does not have the ability to respond to what I write.
-(and more than anything) I really want to respect his feelings.

I am not ashamed of autism or its presence in our home.
Quite the opposite really.
I'm proud of how our son has dealt with his limitations and how "autism" has
provided a unique lens for which we see the world.

I'm cautious....
we'll see how this goes.