time for take-off

its almost been a year since i went on a blog hiatus. a year since i've written anything personal on the world wide web. the break was an intentional one, and at the time i also retreated from facebook, pinterest, twitter and instagram. 

vancouver airport. August 2013

slowly i've come back. only waiting until i felt ready.

its certainly a mental shift going from hibernation to the very public social media world.

but its been good.

in fact, a welcome opportunity to connect with friends and family.

likewise, this morning i felt ready to yank open the privacy curtains of this blog and allow my thoughts to filter out.

i'm a little worse for wear this time around.

a little more worn. (EXTRA worn to perfection?)

a little more scratched up, stained and bruised since my last entry.

i won't share in great detail or depth reasons behind my "extra worn-ness". 

maybe someday. but not here. not now. 

however, hopefully, i will over time be able to capture and write how i am healing, and how recent pain has etched a new song in my heart.

and so....

turbulence or clear blue skies, i'm ready for take off ... (i think).

today

do you feel overwhelmed today?

do your life circumstances stretch out bleak before you?

are you disappointed in yourself? did you handle a situation poorly?

i wish i could share a cup of coffee with you and listen to your story;
for i'm sure you have many incredible things to talk about and share.

for now, i pray you will encounter something in your day (whether a smile, a laugh, a cup of coffee, a letter in the mail, a song, or a kind word...) that brings some respite to your weariness.
you deserve that my friend.

time heals all wounds

does the passing of time heal our wounds?
what do you think?
i'm not exactly sure.
i was pondering that familiar phrase just now as my hands busily washed dishes
and scrubbed pans.
(a great time and place to think and reflect, is it not?)

on sunday as i was enjoying an afternoon of painting at a local
ceramics shop; i saw out of the corner of my eye someone from "the past"...
a woman i used to be incredibly close to, someone i looked up to,
and at one time accepted as the sister (in law) i always wanted.

seeing her briefly at the store, knowing that she also chose
to pretend and ignore my presence, wasn't shocking.
it wasn't the first (or last) time.
i felt sad though.
that we had to pretend....
when years ago we had celebrated christmas's, family birthdays,
even confidences together.
now we were just strangers,
sharing a space.

Has time healed that wound?

Time has strengthened my understanding of how marriage is not easy,
and probably wasn't for my sister in law. There is grace now, where there wasn't
grace before. Time has enabled me handle our "encounters" without getting shaky
and emotional.

Our wounds change us. and time passing though helpful, does not change us back
to how we were "before".....or heal us completely. (as much as we'd like it to).
I think time rather, can help us live and adapt within that inevitable change.

to form some sort of new existence, and grasp onto some sort of truth.
to move forward...

Its tough.

What happens?

This week I will be attending the funeral of a little 7 yr. boy, named Adam.
He was killed in a farming accident. Driven over by a combine.

~I try to fathom what life has now suddenly become for his mother, his father....his little brothers?
I cannot.
~I dig deep and wonder:
When you are stripped down to the rawest form of grief,......
When you are completely worn down to the point of immobility,...................
When your mind is incapable of processing the fact that your worst nightmare has come true,...........
When your world has come crashing down and literally STOPPED,...................
When your own flesh and blood is no longer alive,.........................................
When you long to die so the pain and grief ends,............................................
.....what happens?
How does one go on?

~I ask myself, seeing images of the accident play out in my mind...
How can this be?
WHY did this happen? Why such a horrific death?

The things that once mattered and seemed so very important, are no longer.
That must be part of it, part of the.."what happens", after such an experience.
Everything pales in comparison.

~In my bewilderment I close my eyes and pray...
God.
The only one who can speak directly into our soul,
and knows every intimate detail.
Father.
Who gives sustainable peace.
Who holds us up.
Who quiets our fears.
Jesus.
Who understands first-hand our pain and suffering.
Who bore the sin of the world-
so we could live after death.
Comfort your people.
Send heavenly protection to all those who grieve.
You have prepared a place for us.
How we long to be with you.
Come Lord Jesus.
Come.

uncovered beauty, part B

I wrote a post and published it, without actually finishing it as intended. Weird.
Why I did that, I cannot explain. I think it has to do with the fact that I'm not an accomplished writer (by any stretch of the imagination), and so this process of blogging is flawed. I have ideas, antidotes and lessons to share, but my ability to express them is very limited. Recently I have found myself frustrated by that limitation. Or maybe I'm getting pickier about what I'm writing and how I'm writing.... not sure.

At any rate, one thing I am completely certain of is that it is 4:30 in the morning, and I can't get the above mentioned post out of my mind. My intention for "uncovered beauty", was to describe how the elderly ladies protected skin was a visual allegory or metaphor, for how God shields and protects His children. Our earthly bodies may experience extreme pain and suffering, but ultimately God promises to protects us from utter and complete ruin.
But...then I couldn't end the blog with a sweet, tie it all up with a big blue ribbon, kind of ending. I struggled to articulate my thoughts about the "ruin" part, and decided to leave out any sort of spiritual parallel.

I know that with God in my life, nothing is impossible...no darkness to dark and no depth too deep. However how does or how will that play out? Really play out?

Did God promise to shield me from the harshness of this world?
"God only gives us what we can handle?"
Is that true..who said that anyway?
Here's my thinking sometimes...my daughter won't get cancer, my son diabetes... and my husband won't have a heart attack all at the same time...right? Maybe someone else, but not ME.

Lets ask lots of questions. A post of questions...from a sleep deprived woman. Helpful.

But seriously, as a believer, is my heart impermeable to devastation?? Am I deluded to think there are some dark evils and nightmares that will bounce off my life... like rain on an umbrella?
How does that work again?
Alzheimer's disease is pretty devastating....as was the Jewish Holocaust. What about terminal illness, a motherless child, an unloving spouse, or 9-11? What about the woman with 3 children with severe physical and cognitive disabilities, will God's protection save her from a mental breakdown and broken spirit?

And why am I thinking about my blog in the middle of the night anyway?
So frustrating!! I need to stop drinking coffee at 11:30 pm and telling people that I doesn't affect me.

Since I am obviously feeling the weight of my fatigue, I will end this confusing post of questions with reference to an article... I really like what she has to say. I hope you do too.

Good night.

why?

If I believe God turns our "ashes" (loss, pain, bitterness, shame) into "beauty" (hope, peace, forgiveness, acceptance, eternal life); does that mean I am bound to perpetual happiness, and super positive living? Am I accountable as a Christian to always see the GOOD in all the BAD? Should I suppress my anger and confusion with pain, until I can see God's hand in my life?

I am going to take a giant leap and give a solid, resounding, "I DON"T KNOW!

It's human nature to want answers and solutions to life's mysteries. To look for someone or something to blame when tragedy hits. Aristotle said "Men do not think they know a thing till they have grasped the why of it."  We feel the need to know, how could God allow devastation and evil in our world? war, plague, starvation, death, abuse, murder, slavery??

I guess according to Aristotle, I should be very unhappy with my confusion. And frankly, i'm not blissfully joyful that I don't have answers. It's seriously the first thing I'm going to ask God when we sit down together for a strong cup of Heavenly coffee.
"WHY couldn't you stop the horrific stuff...like the Holocaust, genocide, child molestation.... Couldn't humans have found their way to you without the atrocities?"

But since right at this moment, I am NOT having a cup of Joe with the Almighty (won't that be grand?), I have an inclining that while i'm here, i'm just going to have to be OK with trusting.
It's not for my (super smart) brain to figure out.

10 years ago, (this month to be precise!) Kent and I lost our first baby. I went into labour, had fierce contractions and emptied my womb 4 and a half months too soon. NOT a happy ending.
When I went back to work (in a nursing home) after the  miscarriage, I couldn't help but notice how the fellow staff seemed awkward around me. They wouldn't look me in the eye, and tried to avoid being left alone at my side. They had been so open to celebrate my pregnancy, why would they avoid me now when I needed them more?

It didn't take long to realize that they themselves couldn't make sense of my grief. They weren't meaning to be cold...they just weren't comfortable with my situation and loss. I found out later that when staff on our unit were notified of my loss, the head nurse went into the privacy of the med room and bawled.

As Christians we feel the need to spread the "good news", show the bright side of life, and God's lasting freedom. True, nothing is impossible for God, thus no situation too bleak for His hope! But sometimes there is pressure to get away from the uncomfortable ugliness too quickly. We push for our friends or family members to get emotional healing and "move on"! We look forward to (crave) the time when everything is "OK" again. But when grief is raw, the situation still sensitive....that is the WRONG way to go, the wrong way to think. Most often, as supporters, we didn't create the tragedy, so why should we try to "solve it" or "fix it" either?

God's hope, freedom, peace is real and for everyone. However His timing is perfect, and forcing people to hurry up and feel happy again (so we don't have to be uncomfortable) is not a part of His plan.

Saying "I care about you", "You must be so devastated", or even, "I'm here", is more comforting than, "It's going to be ok" or "God is going to make something good out of this"! * unfortunately, the most common response I got from people after the miscarriage was ,"don't worry, you'll have LOTS of babies someday!"-   I totally get where they were coming from, but it actually hurt, rather than comfort.
Even better, don't say anything at all. ACTIONS seriously speak louder.
Hug, smile, make eye-contact, hang around, pray, love, eat together, check-in, respect privacy, and don't judge how they grieve. Don't assume they do, or don't, want to talk about it either. ASK!

What's left for us to do? To make of this world?

Pray for trust. Pray for Hope.
For when we can't see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel,
When we can't "see the good",
We have Hope.

Hope in our lives is like a steady beam of light in darkness.
It's not detailed like a map or a compass.
It won't GPS exactly where we're going (shoot!),
But it most certainly will lead the way.