Feeling regret

Yesterday and today I was an incredibly crabby mom.
My kids irritated me.
They did unforgivable things.
You know, like.....
-spill orange juice
-fight over a game
-whine because Dad was "leaving again" for the evening
-barf all over the kitchen floor
-insist on holding my hand to fall asleep.
-talk during dramatic parts of "the Bible" (become completely mezmorized and quiet during commercials)
-want food
-want hugs
-want time alone with me
-want a bedtime story
-want a soft spoken mom
-want help
-want to tell me something exciting

I helped them, held them, smiled and listened-mostly.
I sighed a lot, hoping people would notice.
Slammed down plates of second servings.
Snapped at innocent inquisitive questions.
Over punished mistakes.
Reprimanded for singing.too.much.

I was desperate for sleep, longing for an escape from never ending domestic ...stuff.
And of course,
now that the kids are off in dream-land I feel like a monster for being so selfish and impatient.

Why is it so hard to be kind and loving to the people in your life that you love most?
I know.
Its hard because its hard.
And it always will be.


Karla said...

Hello dear one. I think we live in the tension of regret and relief. Relief when one day is over. Regret nearly every night... especially on the nights that follow the kind of day you had. In that tension are threads of thankfulness for the kids and the husband and the house and the food and the laundry and the life. But those threads are thin most days. I know the regret of which you speak. It haunts you and lays heavy on you when it's quiet and the house is dark. It's painful. But, it's also honest and redemptive and hope-filled. I like the honest parts of you best. The places where regrets live. You are brave for saying out loud what we all feel.

Courtney said...

I agree with Karla. I was over snappy and growly with my daughter for being too loud, giggly and farty with her sister at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. So embarrassed and stressed by them. I think someone actually filmed me scolding one of my kids with her cell phone. Big repentance when I got home. This is not how I want to be. Ever. Thank God for new mercies every day.

Lots of love to you, mama. I appreciate your honesty.

Anonymous said...

I had the exact same kind of evening as you speak of! It is true...thank God for new mercies everyday!

Christine Schroeder Hubert

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