happy

I feel vulnerable sometimes for being so "real" and so very raw on this blog.
What if it frightens people away?
What if it makes people FEEL down or sad after reading my accounts of depression...yikes!

I don't regret writing words that express my pain....but I worry sometimes if too much information is...too much.

That being said, I am still glad I have this place to express myself. I'm not ready to let go of it.
I want to visit this outlet for expression and feel, somehow, that I've done someone some good. It cannot just be a splattering of my crazy thoughts and reflections...it must be a place for others to find safety and solace.
That is my prayer.
That is my hope.
Safety and solace.
For all.

Have a happy long weekend everyone!
I pray that there are moments of happiness sprinkled into your life.
God Bless you.

God save the Queen!! :)

free refills

Hi, my name is Christine, and I'm addicted to validation.

(whoa. that's pretty heavy....but actually truer than I'd like to admit!)
Now, I can't trace the origin of this dependency, or the precise time this need became evident. All I know is that my perceived need for it is alive and well, and without considerable discipline (at which i am failing) my self-worth completely plummets.

So I wonder....how much does this need for validation have to do with my insecurities?
Or is it more of a problem with my pride, masked as a more acceptable struggle called "low self esteem"?

Its as if I daily shove an empty cup of my longings in front of my husband, my parents, my close friends, (even facebook friends)...hoping for it to be filled, and hoping to feel satisfied (with myself). But when people push me aside, don't say anything, or respond by producing their own cup of longings ....I get desperate! I think...I can't come up empty!  I can't!  Don't I matter to people? Don't i deserve some attention and admiration?

Lately I've been staring down into an empty cup feeling sorry for  myself....knowing full well, there is a source that I'm not tapping into.
Someone who promises to satisfy.

Someone who actually died in order to give me a life-time supply of validation, in the form of eternity with God in heaven!

When Jesus spent his time on earth he loved everyone who was socially rejected. He upheld the outcast, women and children, the sick, the weird, the ugly. He preached about loving others as, or MORE than ourselves (see Matthew 22:36-40), and as walking humbly with mercy see (micah 6:8). He emphasized the importance of giving to those who cannot repay, who cannot respond in gratitude, who cannot validate (see Luke 6:31-36).

Unreal!

So why do I wait for the world to validate me, when I know the Jesus does already? Why do I become so desperate for that "ok" from my peers,  long so deeply for my husband to come through with my every need, and feel so empty when I fail...
...when no one, or nothing truly fills my every need?
...when, as a follower of Jesus,  I am not supposed to EXPECT validation? 

Why do I so often miss the boat, and blame others for not coming through for me.....depend on another human to make me completely happy?
It's really too bad.

Its like I'm blindly holding a cup up to the sky, expecting something to fill it.... when all the while, right beside me, is a powerful, beautiful waterfall thundering down with fresh water.