the joy of reading

I am itching to get into a good book.
The kind that pulls me away from everything and anything,
just to find out how the story unfolds!
bliss.
So I spent a bit of time yesterday perusing the book shelves at Indigo,
hoping to snatch up a good find (thanks to a generous Christmas gift-card).

This is what I decided to bring home (its tough to decide!!):

I know the cover looks weird and scary. But don't let the skeleton intimidate you. The author Alan Bradley, is an amazing writer (detailed,descriptive,humorous, Canadian), and I'm always up for a good mystery...especially those solved by an 11 year old British girl in the 195o's.
So you see its very tame.
Have you ever watched Murder she wrote?? Pretty much THAT speed...not anything Stephen King-ish. ick.
It's the kind of story I can get wrapped in right away.
No complicated plots.
Just murder.

Better move on to the next book.....

The first Kim Edward's book that I read, The memory Keepers daughter, was both disturbing and moving....disturbingly moving?? Basically at the end of the novel, I couldn't decide whether I enjoyed it or wanted to chuck it across the room.
Confused I was.
Needless to say, I was curious enough about her second book, to warrant it's purchase. Hopefully there won't be anything in the story-line about a misplaced twin.

These books also caught my attention:(maybe i'll reserve at the library...)

I hope you've found a good book to curl up with!

the gift of love

No matter what shape our hearts are in, whether they are down-cast, broken, troubled, or joyful, Jesus invites us to come to Him. To come before Him in worship and thanksgiving, offering up our lives. No life is too dark, too depressed, too desolate for his acceptance.
Jesus, our Saviour and Lord, left Heaven's paradise to become vulnerable and helpless like you and I.
He made himself humble, and entered the world in the simplest of ways, to show us that true love- God's love isn't about glamour or earthly power....its about sacrifice, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

I'll give Him my Heart

  by Carol Cymbala

 What can I give Him,

Poor as I am?

If I were a Shepherd,
I would bring a lamb.
If I were a wise man,
I'd sure do my part.
So what can I give Him?
I'll give Him my heart.

What can I give Him
But all of my heart?

What can you give Him?
What can you bring?
What can you offer
That's fit for a King?
Bow before Jesus,
That's where you can start.
What can you give Him?
Just give Him your heart.

When I am overcome with fear, self-doubt, anxiety, depression, resentment or hurt; I know that I can still offer my life to him. I am not useless to Him, I am not ugly to Him, I am not pathetic to Him. When I approach Jesus through prayer, I am welcomed unconditionally. Without blame, without condemnation, without pity or disgust. My saviour wants nothing, not even mental illness to separate us from Him.

What can I give my Lord? 

Everything. I will give him everything. And He will think it is beautiful. 

 Here I am to Worship by Chris Tomlin

Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness.
Opened my eyes, let me see.
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
All together worthy,
All together wonderful to me

King of all days
oh, so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came
To the earth You created
All for Love's sake became poor

I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross

Its beginning to look a lot like CHRISTMAS

I enjoy a good countdown.
Its important to be aware of how much time one has to prepare.
Yes it is.
Except of course when you have an altered understanding of  how-much-time-one-has-to-prepare!!
For some reason, my mental calendar (whatever that means), is under the impression that we have one more additional week before Christmas.
I still have LOTS of time to wrap the gifts and prepare special treats and meals for the holidays.
right? This can't be the last week?!

I'm sitting here (with my lovely cup of coffee), absorbing the fact that between school ending for the holidays, 3 more evening shifts and a trip to winkler; this morning is really the only time I have to wrap gifts (undisturbed), and ensure that the fridge is fully stocked for Christmas dinner.
Hmmmm.....
Somehow however, like my delusional perception that the Christmas shakedown is weeks from now;
I'm officially convincing myself that everything will get done, and everything will be fine.

So I have to buy some gift bags instead of wrapping each individual present? And so I have to buy gluten free cookies for the school party instead of baking them? And so I have to serve only one appetizer at Christmas dinner instead of my plan for 4.....??
It will be ok.
No one will care or notice. (well, except me, but i'll just  have to tuck away those unmet expectations).

And as I'm presently wasting time writing on my depressing blog that I almost deleted again yesterday morning (but instead added another depressing post....) I found a very neat website that provides many wonderful ways to busy ourselves during the school holidays!  I'm addicted to the "planning" aspect of Christmas and the "planning" aspect of the days when the kids will be bored and asking for things to do. I love to stock up on resources for when my children and I gather around the kitchen table with our glue guns and popsicle sticks...ready to CREATE! Even though it happens maybe once a year, a girl can still dream (and be ready) right?

Maybe YOU could pick up a few tips from the blog and whip up something like those book-page-flower-creations with your 3 yr. old.! Yay! That's a recipe for intense pain....warm fuzzies if I ever saw one. But really, there are some neat ideas...
Here's to another month til' Christmas!!!!

I don't think its a good sign when I find my own blog depressing.
when i read it and think to myself..."Lady, brighten and lighten up!!
How annoying you must sound to anyone reading this stuff."

cry me a river, and get your act together!
write about something else!
they must be saying.

or maybe its just me.
maybe I'm the only one disgusted with myself.
the only one who sees all the unmet expectations and disappointments.
maybe I'm the only one who thinks our family is a joke.
YOU are a youth pastors wife?? HA!
Shouldn't you be doing MORE? 
volunteering MORE?
Shouldn't you be MORE of an example?
Somebody ELSE should take on the Youth Program, with a more
supportive and active wife!!!

self deprecation is my specialty,
living with shame for not meeting expectations.
I clothe myself in embarrassment and apologies
especially on Sunday's.
Some mornings I can't make it to church because the disappointment
in myself is too great.
Its too hard to face people knowing that I'm not doing enough.
I'm covered with blankets of guilt and depression so
that the only comfort I find is in the safety of my home.

Yet, we desperately need female youth workers.
desperately!!
It would be perfect if I could swoop down, roll up my sleeves
and jump into that wonderful world of teenage ministry!
I love it....LOVE it. I love the girls, so very much.
but loving from afar doesn't do a whole heck of a lot.
Its all about relationships, youth ministry is...
relationships.
which means I'm completely useless.

Its been about a year since my health took a dramatic turn downward.
And because I'm in a place of heightened self deprivation...
I've returned to some of my writing from that time.
Maybe reminding myself of where I've been will help me today.
Help me with this burdensome weight of disgust.

I know that Church work and depression is not uncommon;
Its just not always talked about.
this was interesting to find-
and watch.

errand run

I'm struggling this season with..... ERRANDS.
I have never been a fan of errand running.
The act of cruising around town to various places, searching for items to stroke off a list-
(that is, if I remember to bring my list...so many written, so many left on the door step).
But these days, I'm not only peeved by the actual shopping, dropping, picking,
and returning of people, places or things;
I am fearful of the whole event. From start to finish.

Like right now. This minute. I am savoring the quiet house and my leisure day.
But I cannot fully enjoy the luxury of this freedom.
I HAVE to buy a pink pig costume (i.e.pink clothing from top to bottom)
for tonight's school Christmas concert.
And, I am literally experiencing dread, silly nervous butterflies.
(truth be told for both the shopping AND the concert).

I can't keep asking my husband to run the errands,
even though he already (willingly) does most of the shopping.
How very sad and pathetic this all makes me feel.
Old Navy prides themselves in making your shopping experience
easy, positive, not to mention...loud inspiring!
Its not THAT hard.

I just wish I could tackle the "easy" stuff with more courage....
And not feel this pending doom.

Thanksgiving

I am overwhelmed with gratitude on a night like tonight.
A night when the evening was long and the children were tired,
when the homework was stressful and defiance was rampant.
On a night when my patience was absent, and my anxiety was high-
I give thanks.

I am filled with thanksgiving, for the promise of a new day;
for the innocence and beauty of sleeping children.
for little hearts brimming and ready with forgiveness,
for unconditional affection and overwhelming love-
I give thanks.

I am overcome with praise for a Heavenly Father,
who gave me this unpredictable life;
with its failures and struggles, and abundance of beauty.
I give thanks on this night for the realization that in spite of my shortcomings;
I am surrounded by His love and the love of a family.
And so, for that and so much more-
I give thanks.

cool blog

i really enjoy reading this blog.
Small Notebook

Warning! You'll need time to read through all of her interesting tid-bits of knowledge!
She covers everything from renos, family life, and organizing, to celebrating holidays and simplifying. (i must add that I liked seeing gluten free mixes and products on her shelves, when she showed pictures from a recent kitchen project. immediate connection!)

Mostly, I just appreciate this writers attainable, realistic suggestions; and her "no-fuss" attitude about living the good life. 

Happy Saturday!!