We are all on it....

I feel better tonight. Better than this morning when I wrote last. 
I allowed myself the luxury today of reading and finishing the book "Love Anthony", by Lisa Genova.
And that has made a difference.

I enjoyed the book, although not as much as I had anticipated...(high expectations after Still Alice and Left Neglected)...however I wasn't disappointed.

It was this quote that left me with incredible feelings of peace.

The spectrum is long and wide, and we're all on it. Once you believe this, it becomes easy to see how we are all connected.

How powerful and true.

Good night!

Solace

I'm in a space these days that is not pretty to anyone looking in. My face and body appear as an impenetrable bubble repelling even the softest expressions of comfort and the sweetest gestures of compassion.
I know the little ones study me and can't help feeling hurt and betrayed.

"How can I help you?" I read. Its a text from my mom. I love that she asks. "Just be yourself", I text back. Which means if you read between the lines...don't avoid me because you don't know what to say, don't judge me, don't give up on me, see my beauty with eyes brimming with grace.

I am grateful in this bubble. A cup overflowing with gratitude helps the anger, the pity, the fear go down. In the most delightful way. (Cue the twittering fake bird on the window sill). but as it goes down, and sinks in, it also threatens to destroy.

-marriages typically don't survive this
...the PDD, the therapies, the doctors, the pressure.
-we need to hire private therapy again -so many things are improving
-so many things are not
-somedays the patience and consistency of a patron saint are required.
-some days it all seems too much.

Reflect

Questions: (reflecting on my last post).
Can we FORCE ourselves to develop an appreciation for a particular kind of music?
If we have never had an affinity for ....lets say country music, can we do anything to genuinely change that?

I'm wondering if my quest to morph into a cbc groupee is more about cultural snobbery.....wanting to be deamed "cool", than "broadening my mind" and challenging myself?
I wonder.
Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis?! Standing between the life of a "young-er mom" and a pre-menopausal 40 year old (of which I have yet to become) and yet not really fitting into either world.
Not sure I like sitting on the idea that I have to change myself....my clothing, my hobbies, or my taste in music at this point in life.

Of course this is yet another overly analytical offering of print both unnecessary and redundant. But I think its a nice epilogue to yesterdays post....and I feel better having worked absolutely nothing out.

Friday morning song.

In an attempt to "broaden my brain" and gain a new found appreciation for "the classics", canadian artists, up-and-comers, and be treated to a dj who is well versed. (like this guy), I turn the dial to 98.3 fm. cbc radio 2 on my way to work.
Sometimes the songs are admittedly.... a stretch. They sound unfamiliar or down right depressing i.e. Leonard cohen's tunes (I know, i know how could i not love leonard cohen??-don't tell my brothers). I keep listening however -so don't judge (broadening the brain takes discipline).

There is always a reward in the morning mix though, a song that i can sing along to or one that takes me back to my years as a discontented rebel rouser (i was dan-ger-ous back in the day). Sarah macLachlan, REM, Barenaked Ladies, indigo girls.....yes!
And yesterday, a bright and fridgid thursday a familiar little number  played that I like by the band "boy".

Lets call it a Friday morning song...in honour of the weekend.
Here she is...
youtube vid.

Thanks cbc. I'm a fan.

Feeling regret

Yesterday and today I was an incredibly crabby mom.
My kids irritated me.
They did unforgivable things.
You know, like.....
-spill orange juice
-fight over a game
-whine because Dad was "leaving again" for the evening
-barf all over the kitchen floor
-insist on holding my hand to fall asleep.
-talk during dramatic parts of "the Bible" (become completely mezmorized and quiet during commercials)
-want food
-want hugs
-want time alone with me
-want a bedtime story
-want a soft spoken mom
-want help
-want to tell me something exciting

I helped them, held them, smiled and listened-mostly.
I sighed a lot, hoping people would notice.
Slammed down plates of second servings.
Snapped at innocent inquisitive questions.
Over punished mistakes.
Reprimanded for singing.too.much.

I was desperate for sleep, longing for an escape from never ending domestic ...stuff.
And of course,
now that the kids are off in dream-land I feel like a monster for being so selfish and impatient.

Why is it so hard to be kind and loving to the people in your life that you love most?
I know.
Its hard because its hard.
And it always will be.

To grasp....

My attempts at creating a cross for the Easter display at work started and ended quite smoothly! (i document this fact because it is important to celebrate small victories). But as I attempted to wind elastics around a ruler in order to straighten the twigs (do NOT roll your eyes), the petty annoyance of its imperfect appearance brought a realization home. The realization that i was actually recreating a symbol of death.  An ancient method of torture and execution.
(A rather serious but necessary note)

My sweet little twiggy cross was not  being displayed for the sole purpose of DECOR.. to fill an empty space on the mantle. Rather the shape and symbol of the cross was meant to bring to mind a story of sorrow and pain. Somewhere along the line of work related seasonal to-do's and trips to the Dollar store I jumbled up the brevity of the cross with bunny window clings and colourful egg-trees.

Easter is the celebration that gives us hope! Hope beyond the crap/pain/burdens we all have in life...
So.
I wish it didn't take the obvious-staring at twigs and tree branches to recall the suffering Jesus experienced at Golgotha, to willingly wade in pools of painful images of his sacrifice on the cross.
But it did.

(Btw my next post will be a follow-up TuTORIAL. Yes. It will.)

Yah don't say? aka: new job, coffee and life in general.

-I have worked at Bethel Place for a total of 6 days and am enjoying it immensely. I've met 15 Anne's, 5 Helens and 12 Jakes. The last names of the folks range from Braun to Zacharias, with a few Janzens and Rempels sprinkled in the mix. I am in familiar territory.

-There is a convient Starbucks drive-thru on Taylor 2 min away from the doors of Bethel place, I find that extremely handy. The people at Starbucks are very friendly.

I have started listening to cbc 98.3 whenever in the car.

-I got locked out of the house last Thursday (when everyone else went to see the HOBBIT). Walked to Indigo and drank coffee while reading a wonderful book for 2 hours.  Felt a bit stupid trying to break into my sons basement bedroom window though (this was before I decided to walk to Indigo). Wonder if I would have fit thru it after kicking it in...? 

-I do NOT like the blond roast at Starbucks, and can't figure out how my mother and two brothers can claim to enjoy it. Lets face it, I must have been adopted.

-I really need to send out a family newletter to catch (distant) folk up on the recent Rygiel changes. I dread the conversations that begin with, "i thought you were building a house?"....

-I think my husband gets more and more handsome the older he gets. I truly hope we move into Bethel Place in 40 years and turn into the couples I see walking down the hall to supper, holding hands.

-Kent and I celebrate 15 years of matrimony this May. Crazy. We are driving to Minneapolis ("Anthropologie-town" as I like to call it) for a few days to celebrate.  He'll probably watch TSN in our hotel room, while I read a book...but we will be together...like an old married couple should be.

-I haven't been to IKEA as often as I thought I'd be going, now that its in Winnipeg. I've gone a total of two times. Go figure. I think its the revolving front door that is keeping me away. Whats up with that?

-I wish dad was alive so I could talk to him about my job....and of course other things. He is absent from our lives. Still so bizzare.

-The older I get the more I appreciate life.

-I wish my mom lived in Winnipeg or we lived in Winkler!!! We need to see each other more than once a month (sometimes its 2 months when our weekends are full). She gets cheered up when the kids are over..wish I could give her that.

-I LOVE the tv show Parenthood. I literally cried through every episode in the first season (thanks netflix for the ability to watch them back to back). Fantastic writing.

-Funny Face is playing at Silver City cinemas starting today!! Man do I wish I could go and see Audrey and Fred dancing on the big screen (in Paris no less). Funny Face was her "big break"....the world loved her after it came out.

image

-I have a biography about Audrey written by her son, and apparently she hated her face. She didn't think she was pretty at all. So she focused all her energy on dance, even through WW2 when she was very poor and incredibly young. Her ability to dance is what got her the job in this film.. AND i believe her beauty and charm.